Life in Words
by DELEEEEETE
Summary: Just a small town girl livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere... It's a T for now. Bear with me please, it's been a while.
1. Chapter 1

Don't you just hate life?

If you do, you're in the right place. If you don't, then stick around and I'll soon have you thinking like me. I'm not a pessimist; I think I'm the opposite actually. I like to see the good in every situation but sometimes it's actually not possible. Especially when you give up hope. That's the worst thing - not caring enough to see the good in life. When the bad things happen, you just deal with them and figure that it's a part of life. When good things do happen, you don't enjoy it.

I think I've gotten all the regret and bitterness out of my system. I've been angry. I've been in denial. Now it's the final stage: acceptance. It's the least fun of the stages because frankly, there's not much to do, but it's a big step. I can't jump straight into the story at acceptance can I? So I think I'll start from the beginning or at least give an overview of this wonderful thing called my life.

I think I've led a pretty normal life so far. My existence is mundane. There's nothing special about me. I grew up mostly like any other kid my age. Let's check off parts my life against the typical teenager's life:

Go through puberty. Check

Be bullied. Check

Argue with my parents. Check

Try alcohol. Check

Parties. Check

Have a crush on the guy you know you'll never get. Check

Try a cigarette_. Wait, that's one thing I've never done and never will do. I think smoking cigarettes is a form of suicide._

Have my heart broken. _No, not experienced that either. This leads on to the next point._

Go on a date/Have a boyfriend etc. Nope. _I've been single all my life. I think I'll stop this list before I go back to denial/anger._

So my life seems okay on the surface. I have parents who love me, a group of amazing friends, and I can't really think of any sad things that have happened to me except for the death of my grandmother when I was nine. However, I haven't had a great life. It's been pretty pathetic if we compare it to other peoples' lives. I like to do that; compare myself to other people. It's a bad habit. I also like to dream and fantasise about things that could happen if I'd done just one thing differently. It's a sad life that I lead.

Shall I stop talking about myself and jump into the story? Okay. The things I've done and the reasons for doing them may confuse you ,but that's just me for you. It'll all become clear as I explain.

You know you love me,

B.

**Hello my pretties. It's been a while hasn't it? Well, I figured that I might as well write whilst I could. Scratch that, I had to write. Life's not awesome right now, hence the angsty story. Stick around and all shall be revealed. Unless it sucks, of course. Let me know.**

**Thanks to my girls on Skype especially Zombie's Run This Town, who's my beta.**

Drop me a review. I have a sad life so I'll reply ASAP.

**x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Here's another instalment of 'Life in Words'. Much love and thanks to my beta Zombie's Run This Town for being awesome and to Pixie-Tinks83 for her lovely review that made me smile.**

I read somewhere that Hindus believe that hair carries bad karma. This means that when a Hindu baby is born, its head is shaved of any hair that it has to ensure that the child starts their life with good karma. I think I agree with the Hindus. I've been growing my hair for a while now and though it looks quite good it's not helping my life. I feel drained and depressed, almost like it's weighing me down. This is going to lead me to cutting my own hair. I think I'll cut it to shoulder-length, or maybe get a bob-cut. I couldn't do pixie-style hair ever. My hair is my security blanket, what I hide behind when I'm feeling shy.

When I was six, my mum took me to her friend's house. She said that we were just going to drop something off, but she seemed a bit off during the car journey. When we got to her friend's house, there was a swivel chair in front of a mirror. Being six, I wanted to spin round and round so I sat down on the chair. That's when I saw the 'friend' come up behind me with scissors. Turns out I was getting my hair cut. I cried so much that day when I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair didn't even touch my shoulders. Looking back, it was a good decision that my mum made, because my hair was pretty unmanageable, but back then I hated her. I felt like she didn't care about me, or about what I wanted.

In a way I still feel like that. I mean, I love my parents so much and I know that they care about me but it's my friends that concern me. Apart from my parents, no-one would really miss me if I died. Let's be honest, I'm not that special. I'm never going to contribute anything special to this world. I'm not the life of the party, or the one who people always want to be with. But I think I'm kind, helpful and I'm always there for the people I love. That's the thing that pisses me off. I'm always there for everybody; when that guy was leading her on, when she broke up with her boyfriend and when she failed that Chem. test. I always go out of my way to make sure that people are happy. I make happy CDs and burn copies for my friends. I give them teddy bears and chocolates to cheer them up. I'm always there to listen to what they're saying, even if it's 2am and I'm tired beyond belief. So why won't anyone notice what's wrong with me? I feel underappreciated and unloved, can't they see that? Why can't they see that I'm sad and feel lonely? I hate it. Sometimes I really hate my friends. Other times I can't get enough of them. Being an only child made me so much closer to my friends, as I don't have any siblings to rely on. They're so dense sometimes - I could kill myself and I honestly think that they wouldn't care that much. Actually they might do. There would be no-one there to listen to them go on about their 'issues' and go out of their way to make them smile.

I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? I'm talking about how self-absorbed people are and here I am whining about how nobody pays attention to me. My life isn't completely bad, and I need to realise that. I remember learning a song in elementary school, and just for you, I'll sing it:

_If you're feeling sad and weary and you're down in the dumps (down in the dumps, down in the dumps)_

_If you're feeling sad and weary and you're down in the dumps, there's something you should do.  
Don't be grumpy. Don't go on and on. Don't be grumpy, don't you spoil the fun._

_Count your blessings name them one by one._

_Count your blessings, see what God has done._

I think I'll focus on the last line. I'm a firm believer in God. Don't ask me why, I think it's just because my parents are religious and it just got passed down to me. Count my blessings, says the song? I can do that. The only blessings I can think of are my friends and family. I'll write this down, so I can read it at a later point and remember the good times. Plus it'll be cathartic. I think that's the word I mean. I should really start listening during English.

Anyway, going back to what I was talking about at the start of this babble, tomorrow I'm going to the salon and cutting my lovely hair so I can't hide behind it. I'm also going to feng-shui my bedroom and have more confidence. That's not a lot to achieve in one year, is it?

I think the confidence thing will be the hardest. I'm constantly looking for other people's approval: it makes me happy when I get checked out by random guys at the cinema, or when someone compliments my outfit. You could call me an attention seeker, and be right in a way. Here's a good example: this summer a guy that I didn't know added me on facebook, sending me a message that he thought I was cute and he 'wanted to get to know me'. This is when the alarm bells should've rang. Instead, I was flattered and started talking to him. A while later, I realised how stupid I was for talking to a guy I didn't know, and was a lot older than me so I stopped. Crisis averted.

Now I think that I should stop talking and end this in a positive way. I don't have the words to give a good pep talk so I'll leave it to the lovely Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Rian Dawson and Zachary Merriman (A.K.A. All Time Low) who came up with my favourite lyrics:

_'Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year'_

**So what did you think? Good? Bad? Ugly? Let me know in a review. Have a wonderful 2010! **

**x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3! This is literally so much fun; I'd forgotten how much I love to write. Peace and love to Zombie's Run This Town, who is the best beta a girl could ask for. Also thanks to blackandivorykeys, who needs to post some new stories, like now. **

_It makes me so sad that people like Kostas and Bridget who have lost everything can still be open to love... while I, who have lost nothing, am not. – **Lena Kaligaris, 'The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants'**_

The quote above is from one of my favourite movies of all time; 'The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants'. That may make me a dork, but I don't care. I love how close they all are in the movie, and how the pants keep them together and act as a symbol of their friendship. Today's post (or whatever this is) is about friendship. I love my friends. That is a basic fact. Being an only child you always seek comfort and love from your friends; because they're the closest things you'll get to siblings. It's also to blame for forming deep attachments to people, and my craving for love _(did that sound dirty to anyone else?)_

Moving on, today is the day I think that I should start writing my letters to the people that I love. It's a chance for me to show how awesome I think they are, and write down things that I can't put into words. Mmkay...here we go.

_Jess,_

_Firstly, I love you. I just thought I should remind you of that fact. I don't seem to tell you that enough. You are one of my best friends and I have no idea what I'd do without you. We're always joking around, and my life would be so different without you. For one, I wouldn't have the awesome taste in music that I have now (Jonas Brothers anyone?) I feel like we're on the same wavelength, as we're usually both thinking about the same thing at the same time. You were one of the first people that I became friends with when I started high school, and our friendship has just got better and better. Remember our fun times in Math? How did we get A's when we didn't even work that much? My favourite time was when we were making a scrapbook for someone's birthday and we ended up getting permanent marker on my white table. My dad would've freaked but you helped me scrub it off with nail varnish remover. We've had some real fun times so thank you for that. You're one of my closest friends, you know that? I think that my parents love you more than they love me! _

_Carrying on, we never seem to have that many serious moments, but I know that you'd always be there for me and I appreciate that so much. I also want to say I'm sorry for being afraid of your dog. I know she's harmless, and everyone else loves her, but I'm just afraid of dogs. I feel so bad for being afraid so give Honey a hug for me, kay?_

_I'm so glad we have Math together this year, because not being in any lessons with you would suck. Though you do bully me, I know you'd be there for me in a heartbeat if something was wrong. You're the best wing-woman when we go out; constantly trying to pimp me to attract the guys, though you don't need any pimping yourself! _

_If I had to choose a best friend, I think it'd be you. Remember that, okay? You accept me with all of my weird flaws and I love you for it. Thank you for everything. _

_You know you love me,_

_Bells._

_PS. I dropped my pencil._

**So what did you think? I appreciate all feedback. Sorry for the delay in updating, school and real life have been hectic, but it's been good for inspiration. Have a great February, and if you're going to be single like me on V-Day, it's all good. Just kick back with a movie or five, or join our Skype pity party :D**


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